another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
