God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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