my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he laminated a picture of his dick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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