Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
