Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
