Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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