I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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