just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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