I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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