i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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