You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
