i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
