i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
