Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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