And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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