guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
