Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
