My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
