you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
