I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
