dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
