I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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