Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
