I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
