i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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