A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
