Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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