This is not my ceiling
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You may now shotgun with the bride
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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