yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
