Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
