man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
