My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
