2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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