After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
