After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
