he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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