I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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