My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
