I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize