I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
