my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize