why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
...so i touched it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
