So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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