Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
