so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
