my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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