i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
