party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
why do cheetos always look like penises
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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