i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm too high and old for this...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
