pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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