Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
