Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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