so that wasnt chicken after all
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
