I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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