oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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