Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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