I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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