I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
