someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
