I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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