just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
