this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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