apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
