I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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