Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
