I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
