There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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