Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
