We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
