College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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